Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Agenda for Change humour

I had the following sent to me at work last week, and I found it very funny and decided to share. I believe it originated in Scotland.

New Agenda For Change rules...............

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to

your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying

a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and

therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need

to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy

nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you

dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of

sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to

come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They

are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can

do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort

should be made to have non-employees attend to the

arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is

necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your

lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is

now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of

three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will

retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the

Hospital notice board under the "Chronic Offenders

category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be

sanctioned under the hospital's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat

more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get

15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their

average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch,

because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to the NHS. We are here to

provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all

questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,

irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,

accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should

be directed elsewhere.

The Management

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